I’ve been having a rough go of it lately. And I’ll just warn you, this is going to be a grape post… I try not to make grape posts too often, but once in awhile they’re bound to appear.
The death of my mother-in-law has had a profound effect on my home. It’s only been a couple weeks, but the cloud hanging over me is showing no signs of dissipating anytime soon. It’s not just her death, though, that’s causing the cloud.
The end of the school year is quickly approaching – and Brinson is nowhere close to completion. Harrison is being relentlessly teased at co-op causing him to act out in ways that aren’t like him at all. Google blacklisted my Clean Funny Pics website so no one will run ads on it anymore and then it was hacked and attacked forcing the company I rent web space from to take it offline – indefinitely (So, at this point, I’m shoveling money into a black hole…). I’m trying to get my book ready for publication and it’s just not happening – which is über frustrating. The money to put Harrison in co-op next year is due in 2 weeks, but without the website bringing money in – I don’t have it.
These things I’ve listed are just scratching the surface. The list of things I’m internalizing (and not sharing) is much longer and causing me to act and react in ways I’ve not reacted since I was in college – and that scares me.
I decided to get help with these things – but that hasn’t worked out so far either. I’ve been trying for almost a year to hire someone who would help me with the website – reworking it from the bottom up. Anytime someone says they’ll help me, they help for about a week – or less – and then I never hear from them again. I talked to the guy I rent web space from and he’s interested in my having him on retainer – which would be great, if I were making any money. I can’t afford to pay to keep someone on retainer – on top of what I’m paying for web space – when I’m not making any money. I see no point in re-working my website when I can’t run ads on it.
I get up each morning – excited and ready to start the day – until… I take Harrison to co-op and see how much he aches about having to walk in the doors. I get back home, sit down with Brinson to go over his lessons and see how far we are from completion. Then I go over the plethora of things on my to-do list and realize I’m not ever going to get my book published – which means I’m not going to have any money coming in – which pays for school and supplies, my site isn’t going back online anytime soon – and even if it did – I can’t run ads on it, so I begin to wonder “what’s the point?”…
So, then I just go get back in the bed. Every day, or night, I tell myself that the next day will be better – and then it just starts over again. I don’t know when the fog will lift, but I hope it’s soon. It’s never lasted this long before and it’s becoming more and more discouraging every day…