The Pushy Mr Palmetto

Last night I was assaulted. I was minding my own business and was maliciously attacked. There was no provocation on my part at all…  I was forced into a date with pushy Mr Palmetto. Let me tell you the story…

I’d been at my Mom’s house most of the day and got home around 8:30. The boys went to bed and I had a shower. After my shower I got a popsicle out of the fridge, got in bed, turned on the TV. I wanted to chill for a bit before pin curling my hair since it’s such a long process. I’d laid the unopened popsicle on the bed so it would melt a little. (To me they taste better that way instead of straight out of the freezer…) …

I was about 5 minutes into watching TV when I notice movement out of the corner of my eye. It was a palmetto bug. The largest palmetto bug I’ve ever seen in my life. If you’re not american_11familiar with palmetto bugs, let me put it this way… It’s a cockroach on steroids – except it’s worse because it doesn’t run when the lights come on. If you want to kill one, you can’t just step on it. You have to step on it and then twist with your foot. If you just step on it – when you pick your foot up – it’ll dust itself off, give you a dirty look and run… shaking its fist at you the whole time.

So I’m sitting there, minding my business, when I see this palmetto bug climbing up the wall next to my bedroom door – which is closed. First thing I think to myself is “That has to be the largest palmetto bug I have ever seen”. It was at least 3 inches long, over an inch wide. I wasn’t going to attempt to kill it. I was going to tell Tom about it when he got home and let him do the dirty work, but I just HAD to take a picture of it so Tom would see that I wasn’t exaggerating when I told him later about the huge cockroach I’d seen. I was going to use the camera on my phone but remembered I’d left it in the other room. NO WAY was I going to go through the door to get it. Nuh-uh.

I grabbed my old cellphone and snapped a picture of it ~ Too far away – Zoom – Snap again. Too blurry-Snap again.

I guess Mr Palmetto thought I wanted his autograph since I was taking his picture. Next thing I know it was FLYING AT ME. It jumped off of the top of the door frame and flew RIGHT AT ME.

The sound that came out of me at that moment was something akin to Janet Leigh’s during the shower scene in Psycho and the sound I heard in my ears was the same one that played with every stab made by Anthony Perkins. How it didn’t wake the kids I’ll never know, I just know that they could probably sleep through an earthquake and be none the wiser.

I was screaming non stop and it got worse when Mr Palmetto landed on my bed. I ran out of the room faster than Imelda Marcos to a shoe store when she hears about a sale. I got the phone and called my husband. I was hyperventilating at this point and my heart was racing. As soon as my husband answered, I burst out in tears.

He’d finally gotten me calmed down and told me to stay out of our room until he could get home and kill it. Then I started crying uncontrollably again. I’d left a popsicle on the bed and it was going to melt…. on my bed…  Then the hives showed up. Because of my auto immune disorders, if I get stressed or panicked in any way, I break out in hives.

I shut the door, put a towel at the bottom of it, went to my office and started drawing. Drawing always relaxes me. When Tom got home, I went in the room with him to make sure he would find it. We didn’t see it at first, but then I noticed it still sitting on the bed. It was up under a ruffle in the covers, eating my popsicle and watching Dancing with the Stars. The remote to the TV wasn’t that far, so I’m sure he would’ve changed the channel had he wanted.

The crazy thing is that to anyone reading this, and to me even (had it not happened to me) it would seem completely stupid and irrational to freak out that bad over a bug. Especially a harmless bug. It doesn’t bite, sting, spray – nothing. I don’t particularly care for the things at all, but I can ‘deal’. Thing is, once it flew at me, the ‘dealing’ was over…

One thing for sure, we need some new roach baits. We just put new ones out but they’re roach motels. Mr Palmetto was apparently too big to get in them. I guess we should have bought roach hotel suites… Or a roach mansion maybe. I don’t know. I just know if I see another one that big… well, lets just say my Glock 9 is going to see some action…



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