Your Child Has Been Upgraded to Teen. Here’s a List of Known Bugs:


Please note: Your ‘child’, upon its 13 birthday, will be upgraded to ‘teen’. This upgrade is not optional and no restarts required or allowed. You can re-BOOT often, but the fix is temporary and generally only frustrates things. There are ‘bugs’ in this upgrade known as ‘retribution’ for when you upgraded to teen.

Here are a list of the known bugs:

•Can no longer speak in complete sentences. Only one or two word responses, such as “I guess”, “yeah”, “no” or “I don’t know”

Ex: You – “Did you have homework?”
Teen – “I don’t know”
You – “You don’t know?”
Teen – “No”
You – “Do you have homework or not?”
Teen – “Yeah, I guess.”

•Makes decisions on a whim or whatever ‘feels right’ at the time -or- puts what he wants ahead of everything and everyone else.

Ex: You – “What did you put in your thermos for lunch today.”
Teen – “Some of your tea”
You – “Mines not as sweet as you like it. Did you add some sugar?”
Teen – “Yeah”
You – “How much?”
Teen – “A little more than 1/4th a cup…”
You – “A 1/4 cup!??! Seriously? In your THERMOS?!”
Teen – “Yeah”
You – “I… don’t even…”

-or-

You – after bunking teen and child in same room because of company – “How’d you sleep last night?”
Teen – “Good”
Child – “Horrible.”
You – “Why was it horrible?”
Child – “Teen made me sleep on the floor…”
You – “On the floor!? We don’t even have carpet!! Teen, what… why… why would…”
Teen – “The bed was too crowded.”
You – “Then why didn’t YOU sleep on the floor?”
Teen – “That’s not comfortable.”

•”Not fair” part of every day language far more often

Ex: Teen – “I have homework and John doesn’t.”
You – “Why?”
Teen – “Because he got finished with his work and I didn’t. That’s not fair.”

•Unable to make small, obvious, decisions if work is required.

Ex: Teen – “I was going to make some hot dogs, but I can’t find a big enough pot.”
You – “What do you mean there’s not a big enough pot? There’s bunches of them…”
Teen – “But there’s none under the counter where they usually are.”
Spouse – “He’s saying that there are no ‘clean’ pots because one of the pots is in the sink, dirty, and the other one is in the dishwasher, dirty.
You – “But there’s still other pots he could use. Just not as big as those two… I’m sure you can figure something out.”

***Almost two hours later***

Teen – “Can you get one of those hanging pots please?”
You – “Why do you need a pot now?”
Teen – “To make hot dogs…”
You – “What?! Seriously? You haven’t made the hot dogs yet???”
Teen – “No, I still need a pot.”
Spouse – “Hey, here’s an idea… I mean, I know this is WAY out there and you’re going to think I’m INSANE for even mentioning it, but you could always WASH ONE OF THE POTS!!!”
Teen – “I shoulda thought of that…”

•Short term Memory loss

Ex: Spouse – “Did you study your social studies?”
Teen – “Yeah”
Spouse – “What did you study?”
Teen – “Social Studies”
Spouse – “WHAT about social studies? Specifically…”
Teen – “I don’t know.”
Spouse – “Then what did you study?”
Teen – “Stuff”

•Misplaces own things-replaces them with YOUR things

Ex: Teen – “I need to borrow your black Sharpie”
You – “Why? Where’s yours?”
Teen – “I don’t have one.”
You – “I went through all the markers, I separated them out, I made sure you have one of every color. I put them in a basket for you… So why do you suddenly not have a black one?”
Teen – “I don’t know. There’s not one…”
***Goes into Teen’s Room – Black Sharpie in basket***
Teen – “I didn’t see that there.”

-or-

You – “Where’s my scotch tape?”
Teen/Child/Spouse – “I don’t know.”
You – “Then where did it go?”
Teen – “Oh, I borrowed it.”
You – “When did you borrow it?”
Teen – “The other day.”
You – “If you borrow something and then don’t put it back, that’s not borrowing. That’s stealing…”
Teen – “I was going to put it back eventually.”

•Forgets how to do everything he’s been taught. Usually at times when convenient to him.

Ex: You – “What are you doing?”
Teen – “Playing the Playstation.”
You – “Yeah, I can see that. What I’m saying is, why are you playing the Playstation right now? Isn’t there something else you’re supposed to be doing?”
Teen – “No.”
You – “Really?”
Teen – “Yeah.”
You – “Every single Saturday for, oh I don’t know… the last 10 years – you’ve had chores to do before you can play video games and such. Have you done your chores?”
Teen – “No.”
You – “Why?”
Teen – “I forgot”

•Completely Oblivious and Self-Absorbed. Thinks he is the center of the universe.

Ex: ***Later in the day after taking homework left behind to him at school***
You – “You’re welcome, by the way.”
Teen – “For what?”
You – “Really?”
Teen – …

Side effects of known bugs are rolling eyes, sighs of exasperation and utter annoyances. Sometimes they come from you and not the teen.

Writing everything they do and every conversation down (and posting to the internet if that option is available) is highly recommended. Parental embarrassment seems to help. If nothing else, save them for when they have a teen who is newly upgraded.

(Note – If you get the female upgrade, add in hormonal outbursts, mood swings and uncontrollable crying. Chocolate is recommended for temporary fix.)

Really, the only options you have at this point is to hunker down and prepare for the worst. The upgrade results in a complete loss of brain activity and the next upgrade, with brain activity restored, doesn’t occur for at least ten years – in some cases, maybe more.

As always, feel free to share

5 thoughts on “Your Child Has Been Upgraded to Teen. Here’s a List of Known Bugs:”

  1. This has to be one of your most offensive posts, teens don’t do all that! You adults are the ones making life hard on us, telling us to do all these chores and homework and that it’s our “Responsibility”. And while us teens can change, you adults don’t! you don’t get upgrades, while we might go from windows 7 to windows 8, you’re still stuck at XP (yep, I used THAT analogy). While you complain about us being “rebellious” and “stubborn”, you know we only got that from y’all. And aside from that, you fail to mention all the positive aspects, like “imagination”, “independence”, and the ability to stay home alone while the parents go out for date. Stop these stereotypical and ageist(?) posts immediately!

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    1. How naive of you to think that adults get no upgrades. You fail to realize we’ve ALL gotten these upgrades and most upgrades are retribution for our own. And here’s the thing about the “XP” version. It was the most reliable. It was the best and rather than stick with it, Vista was installed – which was SO horrible 7 was released super fast. (Vista is your adult child, on the couch – mooching.) By the time y’all get to Windows 8, the ten years I mentioned have passed and the brain dead phase leaves. (Though switching to iOS is highly recommended as that is the equivalent of the college education and job as the CEO). The ‘rebellious’ and ‘stubborn’ wasn’t gotten from any adult anymore than any adult got their teenage rebellion from their parents. Okay, I skipped ‘imagination’ and ‘independence’. Mainly because those are add ons that not everyone gets and some remove and add them back at will. The only thing stereotypical here is… well… there’s not any – because they are ALL TRUE! It matters not HOW wonderful some teens may be, fact of the matter is they must ALL go through these things. In different ways, on different levels, of course – but they all do. If they don’t then TRUE ‘independence’ is never and can’t ever be achieved. And then you’re stuck with Vista…

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    2. I shouldn’t be surpirsed that someone found this offensive, but I will say you are overreacting. I found it to be quite funny and I am 15. I relate to some of these and some I don’t, but I was entertained nonetheless. YOU, my friend, need to loosen up and take a chill pill. And how dare you COMMAND her to stop posting things like this. It’s her BLOG for Peet’s sake. You can take it, or pack up your windows 8 and leave. *bows*

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