What Every American Should Know – Minus the Parts We Don’t Want You To Know

Okay… So, I got this from the Obamacare Explained website. They have it listed by bullet point. Let’s go over it… Shall we?

Here is a simplified ObamaCare explanation of what every American should know about our new health care law. The Affordable Care Act (ACA) does a lot, luckily most of us don’t need to know the details, let’s take a look at what we do need to know:

Uhm… ⏰ Ding Ding Ding So, what you’re saying, essentially, is… drop your pants, bend over and enjoy the ride!

• ObamaCare does’t create health insurance, it regulates the health insurance industry and helps to increase quality, affordability and availability of private insurance.

So, you (the government) are going to take over the healthcare industry? Kinda like when ya took over the auto industry…? Y’all did a bang up job with that one. One can only hope you do half as good with the medical industry.

• Most people who currently have health insurance can keep it.

Suspicious use of the word “most”. Perhaps figuring out who is ‘most’ is one of those details we don’t need to worry our pretty little heads with…

• Young adults can stay on their parents plan until 26.

Well thank goodness. It’s becoming so expensive to put a roof over my adult child’s head. This will help a lot. Never mind the fact that he doesn’t have a job, sits in front of the TV all day, playing video games and eating donuts. It’s all good though. When his heart fails at 30 – he’ll have insurance!

• If you don’t have coverage, you can use the new Health Insurance Marketplace to buy a private insurance plan.

What is this new “Health Insurance Marketplace”? This falls under things our pretty heads don’t need to worry about, right? There’s more than just one plan? Not just “insurance”…? Or is this where we choose between wanting coverage that will inject collagen in my head or that new kidney I’ve been waiting on?

• Open enrollment in the Health Insurance Marketplace goes from October 1st, 2013 to March 31st, 2014.

What? No exemption?

• If you don’t obtain coverage or an exemption by January 1st, 2014 you must pay a per-month fee on your federal income tax return for every month you are without health insurance.

Whoa Whoa Whoa… If I don’t have insurance because I can’t afford it and I don’t get insurance because I can’t afford it, I’m going to pay a fee for not getting something I can’t afford to buy…? It’s kind of like charging me a fee for not spending money I don’t have. And I thought the banks were bizarre for charging me a fee, which I don’t have, when I DID spend money I didn’t have… I’m dizzy. Who ordered waffles…?

• In 2014 the fee is $95 per adult ($47.50 per child) or 1% of income, whichever is higher. The family max is $285.

Oh sheesh. Where do I start…? “In 2014…” meaning that in all subsequent years the amount “could” change? $95 per month – per adult -or- 1% of my income, whichever is HIGHER … Okay, so now that fee you’re charging me for not having insurance I can’t afford is a fee based on the MOST amount of money you can get out of me and not the least? Wait… How is this helping me again? I must have missed it somehow.

So far, I’m about as impressed as the house cat is with the new dog.

• The cost of your marketplace health insurance works on a sliding scale. Those who make less, pay less.

Ah yes… The golden egg of this whole thing… Do less work, save more money! Nothing like motivating Generation X and Y to contribute LESS to society. How does this encourage them to do less, you say? Have you forgotten youth? Do the least amount possible and get the most possible. Those just past that proverbial ‘line’ on the scale will do less to drop into that lower monthly amount. Those smack in the middle or near the top of the next line will stop progressing and marinate right where they are just to save the money. Nothing like motivating mediocrity!

• American making less than $45,960 as individual or $94,200 as a family of 4 may be eligible for premium tax credits through the marketplace. Tax credits subsidize insurance premium costs.

Suspicious verbiage “may be eligible”.

• If you are able to get qualified health insurance through your employer you won’t be able to receive marketplace tax credits unless the employer doesn’t cover at least 60% of your premium cost, doesn’t provide quality insurance or provides insurance that exceeds 9.5% of your families income.

• If you are able to get qualified health insurance through your employer you won’t be able to receive marketplace tax credits unless your employer doesn’t cover at least 60% of your premium cost, doesn’t provide quality insurance or provides insurance that exceeds 9.5% of your families income.

I’m bothered as to why this paragraph was listed twice. Okay, so… I can’t get insurance through the marketplace if my current insurance doesn’t suck or if they “exceed 9.5% of my family’s income”…? So, better coverage disqualifies me? Perhaps you meant if the cost doesn’t exceed…

• Up to 82% of nearly 16 million uninsured young U.S. adults will qualify for federal subsidies or Medicaid through the marketplace.

Suspicious wording – again! “Up to…”, “nearly” … So, could be 1%, could be 80%… Who knows?

• You don’t have to use the marketplace to buy insurance, but you should fill out an application to see if you qualify for assistance before shopping for insurance outside of the marketplace.

Well sure… Why not cancel the insurance you have now, sign up for a ‘government’ insurance and just pray that it doesn’t fold like every other entity the government has meddled in.

• The ACA does away with pre-existing conditions and gender discrimination so these factors will no longer affect the cost of your insurance on or off the marketplace.

Well that’s good. Now it’s only the “rich” kids that are discriminated against. Serves them right though. They should have chosen to be born into a poor family. Not our fault they didn’t choose to be born poor… or a minority…

• You can’t be denied health coverage based on health status.

Only wealth status…

• You can’t be dropped from coverage when you are sick.

But you can if your long lost aunt remembers you in her will. Or if you hit the lottery…

• Health Insurers can’t place lifetime limits on your coverage. As of 2014 annual limits are eliminated as well.

Hmmmm… I guess that $94,200 ‘limit’ isn’t a ‘limit’ at all. Wonder what it is then? Oh… Wait… That affects the rich. Right. They don’t count. Forgot. Silly me!

• All new plans sold on or off the marketplace must include a wide range of new benefits including wellness visits and preventative tests and treatments at no additional out-of-pocket cost.

Because, by golly, I have a right to have a doctor tell me whether or not my son’s hang nail is causing his 99˚ temp. And the doctors are right to force me to get vaccines, even if my child is completely immune without the booster. Or force me to get my daughter the HPV vaccine at 14…

• All full-time workers who work for companies with over 50 employees must be offered job based health coverage by 2015. Employers who do not offer coverage will pay a per-employee fee.

Or, they’ll fire off some of their employees because they can’t pay them and the expensive coverage fees. There will be more people out of work, but that’s okay because they’ll have healthy insurance!

• Small businesses with under 50 full-time employees can use a part of the marketplace called the SHOP (small business health options program) to purchase group health plans for their employees.

So, determined by the number of employees, not the amount of money my company makes a year? Seems odd to give families discounts based on income but not a business… che che che che – rip! Here that? That was the pink slips printing up as we speak!

• Small businesses with under 25 full-time employees can use the marketplace to purchase subsidized insurance for their employees.

See above. And what if I happen to run a website and have 2 employees? Do I now have to provide subsidized insurance for them? (If so, say good-bye to Clean Funny Pics folks…)

• Medicare isn’t part of the marketplace. If you have Medicare keep it!

Wonderful… Because it’s SO awesome just as it is! It’s not like our old folks – the ones that made this country you’re now taking a giant dump on – need extra care or anything. Psh. We’ll just ship them up to Canada and send them off on blocks of ice…

• Medicaid and CHIP are expanded to provide insurance to up to 16 million of our nations poorest.

There’s that suspicious verbiage again… “up to” 16 million of the poorest…? Not all the poorest, just an amount up to 16 million of them… clicks tongue got it.

Meanwhile, many doctors and nurses are retiring early because out of all of them – they’re the ones that get screwed the worst. All the work at school – studying – and for what? To get the same amount as the schmuck in a cubicle…